Essays From the Life of A Middle Aged Woman

You may have heard the saying…”If you point one finger at someone, you’re pointing three back at yourself”. 

Meaning that, if there is something you don’t like about yourself, that is generally the thing that you seem to see in others that you condemn them for.

If that’s true, then there is also truth in the childhood taunt…”I know you are, but what am I?”  Remember that? 

Your sibling would be tormenting you in some way, calling you some stupid name or accusing you of something and your answer was always……”Oh yeah?  Well, I know you are, but what am I?”

In all honesty, I think there is truth to this.  Because, generally, the simplest truths are the most profound.  At least, that has been my observation.  

The bible says that we are to “Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love our neighbor as yourself” Again, chances are, if you don’t love yourself, you won’t be loving your neighbor very much. 

Likewise, if we don’t accept ourselves, we won’t be offering much acceptance to others either.  And so, it only follows that, if we are condemning or judgmental of others, it is very likely we are very condemning and judgmental of ourselves.

Very simply, we won’t treat other people any better than we treat ourselves. Period.

So, it only stands to reason that if you are surrounded by others who can’t seem to do anything right and you want to change the situation; you have to start with yourself.  I hate that.  It just so much easier to blame someone else. Don’t you think?

I’m not suggesting that every time something goes wrong in your life or an injustice occurs that it’s ultimately your own fault.  The truth is, bad things happen in life.  People can act like jerks.  People can be cruel and sometimes people can be downright evil.

I am suggesting though that our view of the world and those around is directly connected with our view of ourselves.  It’s also connected with that “the seed you sow” idea. 

Many years ago, I decided to put this notion to test - this, “whatsoever you sow, that shall you also reap” idea - and I began to be very loving and kind to everything and everybody around me.  Everybody. 

Now, being a naturally garrulous sort, it wasn’t hard to reach out to people and talk to them first.  So, I took my natural tendency and added a whole lotta  sugar to it.  A funny thing happened.  I began to look at people and see something about everybody that was lovable.

I remember telling a college friend of mine as we were observing all the different guys in the school cafeteria (yeah, girls do this too) something to the effect of……”You know, every guy in here is handsome to me for different reasons”

And they were.  Once I let go of the judging and condemning spirit and “chose” to act in a loving and kind manner, my perception was colored as well.  I could actually see something to love in everybody.  Amazing.

It’s been said that you can train the human body to respond on cue.  Like the Pavlov’s dog thing.  I’ve also implemented this when it comes to getting up in the morning. 

I hate alarm clocks.  Alarm clocks represent to me a way to start your day off really crappy. There is not a happy alarm clock in this world in my view.  So, to avoid having to use one, I use one very briefly to wake up at a certain time and then I don’t use it anymore. Here’s how:

I make a mental note the night before that if I don’t wake up at ’such and such’ a time, then the alarm clock will wake me up and well, “you know how bad you hate that” I remind myself.  So, guess what happens? I wake up.  Before the alarm clock goes off.  Every. Single. Time. 

So then maybe we can train ourselves to see the world differently? Maybe we can completely change our reality by changing our thought patterns?  Yeah, yeah, I know.  You’ve likely heard this a GAZILLION times.  So, tell you something new right?

Okay.  Here’s something new.  Do it.

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I took a personality assessment test recently.  It wasn’t anything too complex, just a simple series of questions. 

The thing that bothered me though was you only had two choices.  A or B. 

I found myself extremely frustrated as I was forced to pick an answer between the two when either one could have been completely true about me at any given time. 

I wonder if my anxiety was an indicator of my personality type as well.

At the end, I felt like a bonus question should have been…..”Did taking this test completely stress you out?”  Any yes answers would have indicated people like me.  I do not see the world in black and white terms.  I realize many people do, but I always find such a view rather limiting and not very well thought out.  But, that’s just me. 

I understand why people want black and white.  Black and white helps for very clear cut choices.  It’s either this or that.  No middle ground.  No gray area.  No confusion.  And, most importantly - no room for error. Except, I honestly do not believe that life is like that in any way whatsoever.

Oh, there are some choices that are pretty clear cut.  Like, if you don’t pay your electric bill, they will cut off your electricity.  Or, if you put your hand on a hot stove, it will burn your hand. So, yeah.  There are definitely some things that are pretty easy to navigate.

But, when it comes to most everything else, well, I think we have our work cut out for us.  In fact, if you are a parent of more than one child, you’ve already learned that what is true for one child is not true for another.  Ever.  So, where do we come up with this notion that life is that easily sliced up and categorized? 

Do I even believe then, that there is an ultimate truth?  Yes, I do.  I believe there is a God and I believe that his way is superior to man’s way.  But, even God’s truth leaves ALL kinds of room for variations on the theme.  The only place you see a heavy hand in the bible is in the Old Testament.  But, even there, you see grace upon grace.  Mercy upon mercy.

But, if you think about it a little bit, you realize how much that grace is needed.  Because, frankly, no one has ever been able to live up to a perfect standard.  No matter how many laws you put in place. (Ten Commandments) No matter how many rules you have. (Eleven commandments) No matter how hard you work to slice and dice life into perfect little portions, somebody, somewhere is going to come a long and do something stupid. 

So, yeah, God is smarter than us.  He knows no matter how holy the rules sound, we’re all a bunch of basket cases that are going to need a little bit of grace every now and then.  

This bothers a lot of people I’ve noticed.  The grace thing.  I think it bothers people who want to see justice.  Grace bothers people who want to see others held accountable.  Grace sounds wimpy to the black and white thinkers.  It looks like people are getting away with something.

Yet, even for someone like me who sees the possibility for many different options, grace can even be mind boggling.  So, I guess I can understand why black and white thinkers have a tough time with grace.

I tend not to think much about other people’s failings as much as I think of my own.  Sometimes I think about other people’s failings though.  Usually it’s when their failings are directly affecting me in some way.  I tend to not like that very much, but as a general rule (or maybe I should say, as a general principle) I tend not to busy myself with the short-comings of others.  The way I see it, I’ve got some many of my own that I don’t have time to worry about yours. 

Black and white thinkers, I’ve noticed, do tend to think about others.  A lot it seems. Maybe it’s the justice thing.  Maybe when they see there are no easy answers or clear cut choices it stresses them out and they want to manhandle life and force life into only two choices - right or wrong?

Just like the forced “choose A or B” stresses me out and I want to add in all the exceptions? Or maybe they are just afraid to let go and not know everything?  Because grace really does require that you let go.  Completely.  You let go completely of the need to judge yourself.  The need to judge others.  The need to know everything and have every answer.  It requires that you acknowledge God knows more than you do.  Yeah, God.  That spirit that you can’t see, hear, smell, taste or touch.  Just that notion alone is enough to send anyone a bit bonkers.  But, I digress.

I’m not suggesting I don’t have anxiety or control issues when it comes to what is right or wrong in life. Oh, contraire.  I have plenty.  I guess I just see how Murphy’s Law is probably better explained as the “general condition of man.”

We really are just a big, fat, blundering mess.  So, this notion that we can be explained in our totality by either A or B is absurd.  And as you can see, the idea that some psychologist would expect me to explain myself as an “either/or” entity is setting my hair on fire today.

Carry on.

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Okay, so I’m going to come clean.  I teetered.  Once. 

I had a margarita with dinner this past weekend.  I didn’t get sloshed or feel the need to drink another.

But, I did have a brief mental battle where I felt compelled to buy a bottle of wine the next day.  I didn’t do it.

I thought about it again today.  I didn’t do it. I don’t want to drone on about this. I just want to put my wagon back where it belongs and keep moving. 

I could have never mentioned this to you all, but then, if someone asked me about it and I kept back information, well, I would be a liar.  So, in the interest of full disclosure I’m telling you now. Maybe you don’t care, but I do.  So, there.  It’s out.

I’m certain to many, many people my “battle” doesn’t seem to be a big one.  I mean, I know heavy duty alcoholics who could have NEVER done what I did this past weekend.  They could not have had one drink and stopped.  In fact, not only would they have had another, but, full on drinking behavior would have insued once again. 

I feel a little weird about it, but not overwhelmed.  I don’t want to undo the progress I have made.  It’s too important to me.  So, I’m going to keep my focus in the direction of sobriety and not kick myself in the pants about this.  This is what real change is about.  It’s the daily, moment by moment battle in between your ears.

There is a bible verse I’ve rolled around in my head the past day or so…..

“Be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart unto the Lord” Ephesians 5:18 & 19

You may have heard people talk about the God-hole.  I think Anne Lamott has spoken of it.  I heard a young actor who is having his share of troubles recently mention it.  I’ve even thought about it in similar terms throughout my life.  The God-hole is that spot in you that is crying out for something to worship.  Something to fill you up and make you whole.  Only God can do that.  So, I can’t be filling the God-hole with wine.  Plain and simple.  I need to fill it with truth.  I think it’s a better plan anyway.

I don’t have much else to say about it.

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Just thought I might mention that my website was hacked this morning.

A very offensive webpage had been installed in place of my blog. 

I’ve since had it taken care of with my hosting site, but in case any of you stopped over this morning and got more than you were bargaining for, please accept my deepest and utmost apologies.

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I don’t know about you, but I like new beginnings.

A fresh start in a new or different direction can be inspiring.  It can also be invigorating and exciting.

The monotony of familiarity can sometimes run us into ruts and if you’re anything like me, bore the living hell out of you.

I think change is good.  I think change is healthy.  I think change promotes personal and spiritual growth. 

I think change is what keeps life alive.  I apply this principle to new shoes and shirts on a regular basis.

Sometimes change is scary.  Even when situations call for change, the unknown is so frightening that we often resist, because, well, we know what the parameters are in our current situation and we feel safe. 

I suppose this dynamic kept me from making a decision to quit drinking.  For my entire adult life, alcohol had not been an issue.  Meaning, I never felt I was abusing it, over-drinking or having problems with it in anyway.  For it to become an issue was highly disconcerting for me to say the very least.  How could something that I’ve managed quite easily for thirty-something years all of a sudden become a problem?

Well, I’m sure those inclined to analyze would have a hey-day with that, but I don’t think it’s really necessary.  All I needed to really know is that I did indeed have an issue and I needed to do something about it.

Thinking of life as a tea-totaler, or tee-totaler (I’m still not sure which one it actually is - there ARE two camps you know ) was hard to wrap my mind around.  I had always enjoyed drinking my wine and an occasional beer and mixed drink.  To not have it if I wanted it was really tough for me to come to terms with.

But, it had become very clear to me that my life as I was living it had become highly unmanageable and the alcohol was not helping me to cope or deal with it.  In fact, the alcohol just took me away from it and kept me from facing it. 

I am a person who thrives on emotional and intellectual honesty.  I abhor pretense and psychological games.  I cannot explain why, but I think it is deep down in my DNA and to live a life of facades and repress feelings and what I’m honestly thinking is nothing short of torture for me.

I am very aware at how frightening that type of honesty and truth-telling is to many people.  I know many very private and self-controlled people who are not given to emotional and intellectual vulnerability.  It is a common modus-operandi for a lot of people.  Even as much as I crave honesty, I can still find myself threatened and afraid to face it as well.  So, I can certainly understand how it can be difficult for people who are not inclined to such openness.

The truth for me had become that alcohol was keeping from facing the internal struggle I’ve been wrestling for many years.  I have no intention of venting those struggles here in the WWW. Dot-Internet land. But, my leanings towards “keeping it real” is pushing me to admit that I have things in my life I’ve been avoiding.  Things that I finally said I must no longer avoid - no matter how difficult or painful.

I also thrive on overcoming odds.  Maybe it’s because I spent the better portion of my life learning how to be a survivor and I’ve learned a few things about it.  It does tend to bring out my best qualities of dogged determination, an unyielding focus, and a fighting spirit to survive.

I have learned in so many of life’s situations to be like water.  When water bumps up against a wall it pools. And it continues to pool until it can go over the top.  It can also find cracks and run through them.  It can go around things, under things, beside things.  There is nothing that can stop the force and power of water.  I love the analogy and it has often helped me to get the “if there is a will, there is a way” mentality that is sometimes needed to tackle insurmountable odds.

I’ve been sober for 24 days now.  I will tell you, as I’m inclined to do, honestly - it’s been challenging.  I’ve had moments where I could taste the wine.  I’ve had moments where I had to keep telling myself over and over - “You can do this.  You can do this.”  I’ve felt the struggle in my gut.  The pressure to give in and begin rationalizing has at times been overwhelming.  But, each time, I reminded myself of the sickening shame and guilt I would feel if I gave into my temptations.  And so I resisted.

I am at the front of a new beginning.  A new beginning of a different perspective on my life.  A life without alcohol.  I cannot project myself into the next twenty years and tell you what I’ll be doing.  But, I can say that today and in the very near future, there will not be alcohol in my life.  I feel inspired and in control of what is happening between my ears.  I like that feeling.

Tomorrow I will be submitting my first essay for my writing class.  It is incomplete, but I will be submitting it in the stage that it is in and get feedback from my peers.  All of them are published writers except for me.  I am looking forward to growth as a writer.  It will be the beginning of a step into a new direction for me.  Sober and as a writer.

New beginnings.  New growth.  It feels good.

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If you’re into numerology or numerology in the bible, you might know that the number 7 represents perfection.

Spiritual perfection.  You know, God created the universe, the earth and the rest of the stuff in 6 days and on the 7th day, he rested.

Everything he created, he said was “good to go” and so he gave it a rest.

So, if 7 represents perfection, then 14 must be like a double dose of good. 

Today is the 14th day of sobriety for me.  14 days and I feel strong.  Really strong.

I’ll bet 21 will feel 3 times better. Yea for Magnolia.

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I’m approaching a cross road: the fourteen day mark of sobriety that I’ve not been able to pass in the last few years. 

To date, I’ve only been able to reach fourteen days before I would crater and open a bottle of wine.

Last night, I imagined myself as a seventy-something year old woman.  Not drinking.

I used to see myself as an old woman - drinking a glass of wine.  For the first time, I wondered if I would really commit to a life of total sobriety.  Obviously people do it.  My father has done it.  Our former president has done it.  Many have. The question is, will I?

I’m going to be completely honest and tell you that the thought was a bit disconcerting.  But, I slept on it and today, like most things after a night of slumber, the thought is easier to consider. I still have that weird, knotty feeling in my gut - somewhat, anyway.  And I’m definitely having to wade through some pretty intense emotional stuff.  But, I feel able.  I really do. 

I’ve said in at least two posts in the past week or so that until now, I had not made a decision.  I only wrestled with making a decision and my indecision won out each time.  I’m going to make my fourteen day marker this week.  I will also make it past that day, because, I decided to quit drinking eleven days ago.

One thing that aging has brought me is the realization that decision making is the easiest part of any undertaking.  Talking about changing is also pretty easy to do too.  I’ve done plenty of that, that’s for sure.

It’s after the decision is made and the honeymoon phase is over that the real test of your mettle occurs.  How serious are you about your change?  Because if you’re not, the head down, nose to the grindstone type of stuff that presents itself, can knock the wind out of most anyone’s sails.

This is likely what has kept me from making an honest decision before now.  I just didn’t want to face the real work of staying sober.  Like, facing up to all the crap that I’ve been avoiding like the plague for umpteen million years.  Oh, it’s still there alright.  Just waiting to rise to the top and say….”hey.  I’m still here.”

Yeah, I know it’s still there.  But, I’m ready this time.

Writing 

I’ve mentioned that I’m beginning my first official writing class this summer.  I’m delighted.  It is a 4-week online class with Sheila Bender.  Sheila is an essayist and poet.  If you’ve not heard of her, you can check out her blog here.  Cherie, one of my wonderful, online, supportive friends (along with Miss Cheryl) has written a wonderful piece of writing on her blog.  She has inspired me to write about one of my family members for my first essay to submit to my class.  I’ll be starting that this week.  But, please, if you’ve never spent any time at Cherie’s blog; do yourself a great, big favor.  She’s one of those laugh out loud funny writers.  Not to mention, she just inspires me so much.  Go see her.

I’ve given up the notion that I need to be cranking out something special everyday on my blog.  What a relief that is.  Talk about pressure.  Saying something every day is really easy for me if I don’t have any ridiculous expectations and demands that I craft a heady piece of writing each and every time.  So, you might find my posts a little more “daily”.  But, it will also take a huge load of my back and give me the breathing room I need to just be Magnolia and write whatever the hell I want to write, whenever I want to write it. 

I suspect my essay writing and a few other things I want to work on will happen slower and more out of the limelight.  I plan to post my work from my writing class - maybe.  We’ll see how that goes.

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We own a horse.

It’s not just any horse though; it’s one of those fancy-schmancy show horses.

My daughter has always loved animals and so it was no surprise that she wanted to take riding lessons when she was around 9-years old.

We were reluctant because, well, where do you put a horse on a standard lot of a house in the suburbs?

We finally relented though and her love and passion for riding only began to increase.  Eventually, we decided to invest in her dreams and thus, Otis became a member of our family, along with Sophie, Riley, B.C., Maggie, Speckle and Sparkle.  That would be two dogs, two cats and two birds.  Yes, quite a menagerie, indeed.

Winston Churchill said:

 “There is nothing better for the inside of a man like the outside of a horse.”

It’s a powerful statement and if you know anything about horses, you know exactly what he means.  I believe God knew exactly what he was doing too when he put animals and mankind together.  He knew the bond they would form and the special communication and affection they could share.

Some only see animals as a source of food or a means to get a job done.  Certainly, they provide that for us as well, but there’s something special about a person who understands and bonds with the life of an animal.

Calvin Borel, an uneducated Cajun from Catahoula, Louisiana certainly understands it. 

I’ve been reading about Calvin the past week or so after I learned that he had won the Kentucky Derby on a horse that cost less than what we paid for ours.

It was an amazing run and Calvin did something that only one other rider has done in the 135-year history of the Derby.  He took  Mine That Bird, a long shot horse, 50-1 odds to be exact, and brought him from way behind the field – like, dead last - and rode him to a 30-length victory.  It was stunning to say the very least.

Fascinated by Calvin, I did a little Internet surfing and learned a great deal about what kind of man he is.  Quite remarkable indeed.  He left school in the 8^th grade to pursue what he loved the most – horses.  He has built a career and a life out of loving something as much as life itself.  Rising before sunrise and working long after sunset, he has given every ounce of his strength, passion, energy and heart to loving, training and riding horses.  He is a millionaire now, several times over, it is said, but he still drives his old pick-up truck with over 100,000 miles on it to the track everyday and works as if he has his last dime in his pocket.

I don’t know if it is the proverbial American love for the underdog that inspires me so much, but I love stories like Calvin’s.  I love to hear when someone comes from behind and battles odds to overcome and to prevail.  It is inspiration beyond inspiration to me.  When you hear Calvin speak, you hear his lack of formal education and the simplicity of his heart.  But, something about him is deeply endearing and it’s darn near impossible not to fall in love with him in some way.  He is aware that he is not a fancy man.  He knows from whence he came and he makes no apologies.  He’s deeply proud of who he is and as he says…..”Who my people are.”

People like that are close to the heart of God, I think.  And maybe that is why I respond so deeply to it when I see it.  God does not see our education or lack thereof, nor does he care what kind of accomplishments we’ve achieved in this life.  Those are for others to look upon and admire I guess.  He looks upon the heart of a man or a woman and judges with and deals with him or her based on that. 

There is a pureness in life when we live it from the heart.  It’s simple and it’s healing.  It seems to connect you with humanity and the universe too.  And somehow, someway, it also seems to open up the channels for great love and goodness to come your way.  Once you get a taste of it, you don’t want to live any other way.  Because, when you connect with your heart, you are connecting with life and connecting with truth. 

I think Calvin Borel’s life tells a story of truth.  The notion that achievement or greatness in this life is tied only to education, intelligence or birth right, has been shot all to hell when you look at him. He’s just a simple man, with a simple vision, who has lived honestly and without pretense doing something he absolutely loves.  His reward has been honor, grace, dignity and riches.  So, maybe Calvin is not so uneducated after all.  

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In my efforts to fulfill my commitment to myself to write something everyday - even when it’s crappy and lacks depth -  I find that I make many typos and grammatical errors that I might catch if I spent more time going over what I’ve written.

So, for those of you who are subscribed to my RSS feed; please accept my apologies for the glaring typos and grammar errors.  Sheesh.

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